The Spectacular Survey

It was another fantastically entertaining week on Bachelor Pad! Let’s get to it…

The Cool Kids:

Elizabeth: This week on Bachelor Pad, the contestants were asked to fill out the Survey From Hell that would surely pit everyone against each other and create some priceless drama. And in the newsflash of the century, we found out Elizabeth was voted Most Shallow AND Worst Boob-Job. Yeah, that’s right…. worst boob job. Leave it to Bachelor Pad to think of THAT category.

Kovacs: This guy is so unbelievably pussy whipped by Miss Bad Boobs that I can’t even stand it! When he had a chance to win the game by admitting to the fact that his girlfriend’s breasts were botched, he decided to write down Krisily’s name instead. Obviously, Elizabeth was the correct answer, and he lost out on the chance at an easy rose. Oh well, Kovacs, at least you’ll always have Elizabeth… and her boobs.

Tenley: Sweet, sweet Tenley. I really loved Tenley on Jake’s season, but I have to say her cheery disposition and bouncy step is starting to get to me. As my friend Trisha best put it, “I like Kiptyn and Tenley together. She’s so gay, though.”

Kiptyn: After being chosen by Tenley for a one-on-one date, Kiptyn really stepped up his game by kissing her. Nice work, man. Now I’m a little more sure of your heterosexuality.

Natalie:

I’m not sure how Natalie dodged the Most Dumb bullet, but as it turns out, she was voted Most Likely to Be a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride. Natalie was shocked and hurt by this title – seriously, Natalie? Let’s break this down. (1) You’ve already slept with two men in the house. (2) You stated that you would make out with everyone in the house for $20. (3) You went topless on a date with 4 people. As I see it, you’re enjoying yourself… so who cares if everyone thinks you’re a party girl who won’t settle down? Own it!

David: I’m still trying to decide if David really likes Natalie or if he just likes the fact that she’ll take off her top in public places. One thing we do know – he’s not interested in Krisily, no matter how many times she insinuates she’s into him AND his kissing capabilities.

Ashley: What the heck is this girl doing on this show? She is far too un-dramatic to be a part of this.

The-Slightly-Less-Cool-But-Still-Really-Attractive Kids:

Gwen:

Gwen… aka Most Dumb. So now we know that not only is Gwen old, but she’s dumb, too. Doesn’t wisdom come with age?! Anyhow, I’m not sure Gwen really deserves the Most Dumb title… if I was voting, I’d give her Most Uninteresting Personality.

Nikki: Doesn’t it seem like she should have a more exotic name than Nikki? In fact, I can never even remember her name because it seems so wrong to me. She should be called Emilia. Or Veronica. Am I wrong?

Jesse: I had high hopes for Jesse B. I really did. He’s young, smokin’ hot, and has real chemistry with Peyton. But unfortunately for him (and Peyton), vodka martinis are like a time machine that sends Jesse B back to the year he was 12. After burping in Peyton’s face, he then decided to reach over and stick his finger up her nose. If this is how he acts on a beautiful, fantasy (televised) date, it’s scary to think how he might act on a real date in real life. You stay classy, Jesse!

Peyton: I’ll say it – I really like Peyton. Not only does she make a mean martini, but her favorite meal is a corn dog and funnel cake. This impresses me so much that I almost want to date her myself! And somehow she totally shut down Jesse B when it came to the fantasy suite, but left him with no hard feelings. Touché, sister, that’s some serious game-play.

Wes: Wes really lost his shit when Gia was voted off and did the unthinkable by lashing out at the cool kids. C’mon dude, you’ve been to middle school, right? You should never cross a cool kid or you’re going to get ostracized… and possibly a wedgie. Clearly, Wes didn’t learn these lessons growing up like the rest of us, and he paid the price by being kicked off the show. Maybe he was home schooled?

Krisily:

It’s funny how all it took was a school-girl crush on David for Krisily to drop her bitchy attitude and trust someone in the house. But unfortunately for Krisily, David totally played her and voted her off the show. I’m a bit baffled at how this self-proclaimed bad-ass could be fooled as easily as she was. I liked her little speech about breaking up the couples as she walked off the show, though – she was a true loudmouth until the end!

Overused Phrase of the Week: I’m pretty sure Wes said “blowing smoke up people’s asses” no less than five times. I could practically see the gears turning in Tenley’s head as she struggled to comprehend what he was talking about. “Psssst, Elizabeth….” I’m sure Tenley whispered, “Have you and Kovacs done that yet? Kiptyn and I are taking things slow.”

Surprise of the Week: I was completely taken aback by Jesse B’s behavior on his date with Peyton. I hope he watches this episode and takes some notes on how to treat a lady. Please Note: Just because you’re cute doesn’t mean a girl will automatically sleep with you in the Chris Harrison Fantasy Suite after you chug vodka and burp in her face.

Slap of the Week: I’ve got to give a nice big slap to Krisily for actually thinking David had her back. You should never let your coslopus (that’s a Chelsea Handler word) make your decisions, and Krisily’s fate this week proved that point.

Superior Moment of the Week: The entire challenge this week was amazing. Between the Most Dumb, Biggest Enemy, Most Shallow, and Worst Boob Job categories, it sounded like Senior Superlatives that would appear in a Beverly Hills High School yearbook. I didn’t realize you could actually ask adults these types of questions. But I guess I’ve never envisioned a show quite like Bachelor Pad before.

Can’t wait for next week!