And the winner is.....

Well this is it, kids!!! The season finale of Bachelor Pad!

As it turns out, the contestants’ fates were in the hands of their ballroom dancing capabilities. This was good news for Miss Ballerina Tenley – I’m sure you ALL remember her little dance number dedicated to Jake. If that was any indication, Tenley was about to kick some serious ass on the ballroom dance floor.

In an obvious move to bait the crazed Elizabeth, the producers assigned the Super Hot-Blonde-Foreign dance instructor to Elizabeth and Kovacs. Considering this dancing dynamo was ALL over Kovacs, Elizabeth actually surprised me by keeping her cool.

How priceless was it when Jake walked out as one of the dancing judges and Tenley muttered, “Crap!” to Kiptyn. I have a feeling Vienna muttered the same thing to herself every time Jake entered a room before they broke up. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard Tenley say anything remotely close to a curse word before! Jake just has that affect on women.

Tenley and Kiptyn danced first, and true to form, they were 100% adorable. Next up were Elizabeth and Kovacs… who were slightly less adorable. Although the judges didn’t have the balls to tell them they sucked, Natalie certainly told it like it was when she said, “It was awful! It was so uncomfortable and so distracting. It was kind of like a bad wreck – you don’t really want to watch but you kind of want to see because it’s kind of entertaining.” Luckily, Natalie was able to back up that smack talk, because she and David danced really well (or as well as any non-dancer with one day of rehearsal can be expected to dance).

SIDEBAR: Did this competition remind anyone else of the Saved by the Bell episode where Zack and Jessie battle it out with Kelly and Slater (who was wearing a red spandex unitard if my memory seves me correctly) at the Max? But in an unforeseen turn of events, Screech and an injured Lisa won the whole competition with their new dance move called “The Sprain”. WHAT a show.

But I digress.

When it came down to it, Tenley and Kiptyn won the dance-off which allowed them to sail right into the finals AND to pick the couple going home, which turned out to be Elizabeth and Kovacs. Elizabeth seemed eerily grounded as she drove away saying, “I hope that this experience has genuinely changed Kovacs. I’d love for that day to come that he knows me and knows that he loves me and can say that he loves me.” Unfortunately for Elizabeth, Kovacs decided that not only did he NOT love her, but he broke up with her three days after the show was over....

… which brings us to the Reunion.

OKAY. This is what the boring ballroom hour needed to kick things into high gear – a nice, confrontational reunion of the past players. We found out a few interesting tidbits:

• Elizabeth is back to being a brunette. Alright girl, if you’re going to rejoin the ranks of us brunettes, you’ve GOT to step up your game.

• Wes and Gia… are together?! The Modern Day Shakespeare and his Swimsuit Model Muse really attention-whored it up by kissing for the audience. But. I did kind of like it. Don’t tell anyone. And man-oh-man, Gia is still like putty in Wes’s hands when he sings.

• I liked that Gwen finally stood up for her old ass when she called out David for making fun of people over 30 wanting to be on the show. And we can finally breathe a sigh of relief, because we found out the ambiguously aged Gwen is 39.

• Did anyone else notice that the Weatherman and Craig were seated next to each other? Are these old enemies becoming friends?! These two were just full of surprises when neither one said a word during the entire show… which is very uncharacteristic of them, especially the Weatherman.

Surprise of the Week: Waaaaaaaait. Natalie and David won?!?! I honestly didn’t see that one coming. I figured the nice guys would win out, but apparently a little lying, selfishness, and toplessness is all it takes to win Bachelor Pad. Figures.

Slap of the Week: I’d hate to finish this blog with such a mean award – because clearly based on my comments thus far, I’m a shining beacon of positivity. I’d kind of like to give the Slap of the Week it to Elizabeth just based on her past behavior and overall annoyingness, but considering Kovacs dumped her as soon as the show was over… she probably just needs a hug.

Superior Moment of the Week:

After making us think she was going to keep the money all for herself, it was pretty shocking when Natalie revealed she was going to share the $250,000 with David. Who knew this seemingly selfish party girl has a heart? You can’t deny they both played the game well, and I think they deserved to win.

Well, that concludes the fabulous trashiness that was Bachlor Pad. I think it was a new low for ABC, and I have to say I loved every second of it!

Everything Is About to Change

Chris Harrison really laid down the hammer on this week’s episode by announcing within the first 10 minutes that three women would be leaving THAT morning. Unfortunately for the non-coupled-up women, it was the men who were able to decide which women would go home. This meant that Nikki, Ashley, and Gwen were out. So, with little fanfare, they got in their separate limos and headed off into the sunset. Always the sweetheart, Elizabeth quipped, “I could very well be in Gwen’s shoes one day – In my 40’s and still wanting love to find me.” Zing!

Elizabeth & Kovacs:

I’m starting to agree with Elizabeth’s newly blonde hair choice considering she’s a complete airhead. How do you date someone for 6 months and not be able to remember their birthday, college, or brother’s name?!

Honestly, I’m trying to figure out why Kovacs is dating Elizabeth, especially in light of the things he says when interviewed about her. “She’s got a screw loose,” he said, “She’s definitely unstable.” This guy is either a complete moron OR he assumed he and Elizabeth would split up by the time the show aired. Because if they haven’t already broken up, that comment is surely the nail in his coffin.

And speaking of getting nailed…. Elizabeth and Kovacs got a little tired of the communal bedroom everyone shares and decided it would be a good idea to hijack the fantasy suite for some sexy time. I have a feeling Kovacs started to question his decision when Elizabeth went from zero to crazy about 5 seconds after putting out. “I don’t see you going out of your way to do romantic things for me,” she nagged him. WHAT a buzz kill! Good luck with that one, Kovacs.

Tenley & Kiptyn:

I’m not sure what Disney movie Tenley danced out of, but it cracks me up how everything that comes out of her mouth sounds like something an 8^th grader would say. “Kissing is fun! And Kiptyn is fun!” she exclaimed. Oh, Tenley. Sweet, Tenley.

Natalie & David:

As it turns out, Natalie is pretty good with a water balloon – I guess all those years handling balls really paid off. As the water balloon toss winners, Natalie and David were able t0 take a Lamborghini (that was “broken in” by Elizabeth and Kovacs – how REDIC was that make-out in the car?!) on a dream date to a secret cliff-side location at the beach. David really opened up to Natalie about his childhood and parent’s divorce, which was actually kind of nice to see. Maybe there’s more to these two than hot tub shenanigans and public nudity….

Peyton & Jesse:

Peyton really changed her tune with her opinion of Jesse B as the show progressed… she went from thinking he was an immature, banana-loving weirdo to respecting him after he was understanding about her dropping the water balloons. But unfortunately for them, once an outsider, always an outsider, and these two were sent packing by the end of the show.

Surprise of the Week: Water balloon toss?! WTF. After Twister, the Kissing Contest, and the Survey from Hell, this is the next challenge the writers come up with? How was a water balloon toss supposed to be dramatic OR juicy? It still elicited a few tears from Peyton, though, when she wasn’t able to catch the water balloon. Come on, girl… there’s no crying in water balloon tosses.

Slap of the Week: Runner-up for surprise of the week is the fact that Peyton and Jesse were voted off after Natalie pinky swore (the height of swearing!!!) that she would vote for Elizabeth and Kovacs. Therefore, I’m giving the Slap of the Week to Natalie. I’m so sad to see Peyton go!

Superior Moment of the Week: I’m really happy the show got back to its roots by featuring not one, but two hot tub make-outs with Natalie/David and Tenley/Kiptyn. I was starting to get the shakes after a hot tub dry spell in last week’s show, but things definitely got back on track this week.

Well, according to the preview, next week is the series finale. I guess I should be checking my TV Guide more, because I had no idea the show would be over so quickly! As it will be featuring ballroom drama, fancy costumes, and pissed off past contestants, it’s sure to be a good one. See you next week, Bachelor Pad!

The Spectacular Survey

It was another fantastically entertaining week on Bachelor Pad! Let’s get to it…

The Cool Kids:

Elizabeth: This week on Bachelor Pad, the contestants were asked to fill out the Survey From Hell that would surely pit everyone against each other and create some priceless drama. And in the newsflash of the century, we found out Elizabeth was voted Most Shallow AND Worst Boob-Job. Yeah, that’s right…. worst boob job. Leave it to Bachelor Pad to think of THAT category.

Kovacs: This guy is so unbelievably pussy whipped by Miss Bad Boobs that I can’t even stand it! When he had a chance to win the game by admitting to the fact that his girlfriend’s breasts were botched, he decided to write down Krisily’s name instead. Obviously, Elizabeth was the correct answer, and he lost out on the chance at an easy rose. Oh well, Kovacs, at least you’ll always have Elizabeth… and her boobs.

Tenley: Sweet, sweet Tenley. I really loved Tenley on Jake’s season, but I have to say her cheery disposition and bouncy step is starting to get to me. As my friend Trisha best put it, “I like Kiptyn and Tenley together. She’s so gay, though.”

Kiptyn: After being chosen by Tenley for a one-on-one date, Kiptyn really stepped up his game by kissing her. Nice work, man. Now I’m a little more sure of your heterosexuality.

Natalie:

I’m not sure how Natalie dodged the Most Dumb bullet, but as it turns out, she was voted Most Likely to Be a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride. Natalie was shocked and hurt by this title – seriously, Natalie? Let’s break this down. (1) You’ve already slept with two men in the house. (2) You stated that you would make out with everyone in the house for $20. (3) You went topless on a date with 4 people. As I see it, you’re enjoying yourself… so who cares if everyone thinks you’re a party girl who won’t settle down? Own it!

David: I’m still trying to decide if David really likes Natalie or if he just likes the fact that she’ll take off her top in public places. One thing we do know – he’s not interested in Krisily, no matter how many times she insinuates she’s into him AND his kissing capabilities.

Ashley: What the heck is this girl doing on this show? She is far too un-dramatic to be a part of this.

The-Slightly-Less-Cool-But-Still-Really-Attractive Kids:

Gwen:

Gwen… aka Most Dumb. So now we know that not only is Gwen old, but she’s dumb, too. Doesn’t wisdom come with age?! Anyhow, I’m not sure Gwen really deserves the Most Dumb title… if I was voting, I’d give her Most Uninteresting Personality.

Nikki: Doesn’t it seem like she should have a more exotic name than Nikki? In fact, I can never even remember her name because it seems so wrong to me. She should be called Emilia. Or Veronica. Am I wrong?

Jesse: I had high hopes for Jesse B. I really did. He’s young, smokin’ hot, and has real chemistry with Peyton. But unfortunately for him (and Peyton), vodka martinis are like a time machine that sends Jesse B back to the year he was 12. After burping in Peyton’s face, he then decided to reach over and stick his finger up her nose. If this is how he acts on a beautiful, fantasy (televised) date, it’s scary to think how he might act on a real date in real life. You stay classy, Jesse!

Peyton: I’ll say it – I really like Peyton. Not only does she make a mean martini, but her favorite meal is a corn dog and funnel cake. This impresses me so much that I almost want to date her myself! And somehow she totally shut down Jesse B when it came to the fantasy suite, but left him with no hard feelings. Touché, sister, that’s some serious game-play.

Wes: Wes really lost his shit when Gia was voted off and did the unthinkable by lashing out at the cool kids. C’mon dude, you’ve been to middle school, right? You should never cross a cool kid or you’re going to get ostracized… and possibly a wedgie. Clearly, Wes didn’t learn these lessons growing up like the rest of us, and he paid the price by being kicked off the show. Maybe he was home schooled?

Krisily:

It’s funny how all it took was a school-girl crush on David for Krisily to drop her bitchy attitude and trust someone in the house. But unfortunately for Krisily, David totally played her and voted her off the show. I’m a bit baffled at how this self-proclaimed bad-ass could be fooled as easily as she was. I liked her little speech about breaking up the couples as she walked off the show, though – she was a true loudmouth until the end!

Overused Phrase of the Week: I’m pretty sure Wes said “blowing smoke up people’s asses” no less than five times. I could practically see the gears turning in Tenley’s head as she struggled to comprehend what he was talking about. “Psssst, Elizabeth….” I’m sure Tenley whispered, “Have you and Kovacs done that yet? Kiptyn and I are taking things slow.”

Surprise of the Week: I was completely taken aback by Jesse B’s behavior on his date with Peyton. I hope he watches this episode and takes some notes on how to treat a lady. Please Note: Just because you’re cute doesn’t mean a girl will automatically sleep with you in the Chris Harrison Fantasy Suite after you chug vodka and burp in her face.

Slap of the Week: I’ve got to give a nice big slap to Krisily for actually thinking David had her back. You should never let your coslopus (that’s a Chelsea Handler word) make your decisions, and Krisily’s fate this week proved that point.

Superior Moment of the Week: The entire challenge this week was amazing. Between the Most Dumb, Biggest Enemy, Most Shallow, and Worst Boob Job categories, it sounded like Senior Superlatives that would appear in a Beverly Hills High School yearbook. I didn’t realize you could actually ask adults these types of questions. But I guess I’ve never envisioned a show quite like Bachelor Pad before.

Can’t wait for next week!